from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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