just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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