i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
