my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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