I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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