yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
