we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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