Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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