she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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