I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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