I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
It's not a walk of shame if you run
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
