Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
