Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
