broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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