I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
