I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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