We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I need a beard to bite.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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