someone threw a dead crab at me
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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