I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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