I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
