Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
