Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
