Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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