He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
