First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
