its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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