i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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