youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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