This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Randomize
