I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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