What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
