I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
