my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
