My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
