I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
