i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
