She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
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