The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
