I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
