if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
