My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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