Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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