I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Randomize
