Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
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