that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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