What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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