Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
you win again, gameday.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
