last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
