dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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