Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
