hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
