Tell her she can't have a vagina
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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