the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
