Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
